Saturday, April 24

Sorting through emotional luggage

Whenever I feel sad, I embark on a somewhat impossible task to keep me preoccupied: sorting out my wardrobe.  Today, I moved one-third of my closet into my living room.  What you are looking at in the photo are all tops.  Some people organize it according to colors, some according to materials.  I sort them according to memories.  See by Chloe chiffon top, worn to a fashion show,  goes on the bottom while H&M cotton t-shirt goes on top, worn to a great day at the beach.  I have a stack of "good times" tops and also a stack of "bad times" tops.   

Speaking of bad times, I have been having lots of those lately.  It's been affecting my sleep, which is really unusual for some one who NEVER has sleep problems.  I have a problem with forgetting.  I have learned to forgive but I have not learned to forget.  Sure, someone did something wrong and it bothers me.  I am too nice so I can't say this directly to that person's face.  Why?  Because when you care about someone, you hope with all your heart that there is a possibility that they would change and you would be the bigger person who forgave. 

This is what I would say:  I had no expectations, yet you built up all the expectations.  I understand that things happened with no direction and no intention.  At the same time, it doesn't mean that you have no obligations.  I am a person and I appreciate the fact that you witheld information from me but I have feelings.  I would rather feel bad than falsely feel good.  Under any other circumstance, I would be blissfully happy not knowing.  But, I feel your inconsistency, you exposed yourself.  It's the fact that you still hid the fact that you lied to me, even though you know I prefer the truth.

I feel defeated. 
When I sort through my clothes, I think of the memories that we had.
I can only hope one day I get the respect I deserve.

每当我不开心的时候, 我总是做一件有点不可能完成的事情:把衣柜里的衣服分类。今天,我把衣橱三分之一的衣服都搬到客厅去。照片里的都是上衣。有些人以颜色分类,有些人以衣料分类。我则以回忆分类。看by Chloe纺纱上衣,穿过这出席一个时装秀,在上面穿了一件H&M棉质衬衫,这样穿过去沙滩过了快乐的一天。我有一堆“美好时光”的上衣,也有一对“倒霉时光”的。