Thursday, September 10

The familar pains of heartache

I am quite familar with heartache, the dull- ache in the lower abdominal cavity and the endless tears which come associated with the problematic situations of trouble in paradise. Yet, I react quite differently to most of my friends. When my friends experience infidelity and disloyalty, they respond with terror, anger and tears. I respond with, "I have lost a friend and a lover."Still, months later, we will become friends and spend loads of time packing books and watching movies, ignorant to the problems we have before.

I am a forgiver. I have a very soft heart and can't hold a grudge for more than 17 hours.
Yet, last night, my attendance at the Chanel Fall/Winter launch threw me into the headlights of a recent ex, the only one of which I have not been able to reconcile with.

With the sole reason that he blamed the reason of our relationship failure purely on me. He complained that I did not sleep over enough, that I didn't put 100 percent of my heart into the relationship, that I didn't work hard enough to put that spark in his heart. As unhappy as I was, I did not quit the relationship at all. I stayed and tried harder. When he pushed harder, I tried harder. I hated the idea that my presence made someone feel unhappy and insignificant. Somewhere along the way, my happiness no longer matter and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't help him either. Before it ended, he pulled the whole, "It's not you, it's me. But, I don't think you tried hard enough."

Appropriately, the end of our relationship lead to the best relationship which ever happened to me. I met someone kind, giving and smittened with me. I learned how to joke, laugh and care about my own feelings. I learned that the best relationships are all about compromise, understanding and consistency. I learned that real love needs no reassurance, reaffirment and external contribution. I learned that the best things remain between two people.

Still, when I saw my ex yesterday, I felt a bit sad that I was unable to share any of that knowledge or experience with him. He is a soft-heart and vulnerable guy suffering from a mid-life self-discovery process which I would have very willingly walked to ends to him. As I looked into his deep, soulful puppy eyes, I felt something stir in me. Not something of renewed passion and hope, but a sense of curiousity. I wanted to know whether the new things I have learnt would have changed the dynamics of our past relationship if I had to do it again. As I quickily dismissed the thought with a sip of my champagne, I knew that these feelings of curiousity and wonderment are just a by product of regret.

No matter how strong and solid my current relationship is, it's human nature to always wonder, even for the briefest second. Wonder if things could be different and better.But, it's moments like this which help us realise the value and importance of feelings and memories we have. Best of all, it exposed the beautiful delicacies of my love, here and now.